CHILD STEALING MONKEY IS A TERRORIST!

Authorities have confirmed that the viral video showing an attempted child abduction by a monkey was, in fact, a terrorist attack. The attack was the first, but probaly not the last, carried out by the MFII terrorist cell. MFII stands for Monkeys for Independent Inkawu. They are a new group pushing for monkeys to have a country of their own. MFII chose Inkawu, the Zulu word for monkey, as the name of this new nation. The White House refused to comment citing an ongoing investigation. Intelligence received from sources inside the CIA did confirm the existence of the group. According to sources, who chose to remain anonymous citing confidentiality, say that the note found on the motorcycle left at the scene indicated a complicated ransom demand that included, among other things, the delivery of 1 million bananas. Sources claim the fact that the terrorists were demanding a set number of bananas instead of an amount measured in weight points to the MFII's lack of comprehension of measurements like weight and distance. "Any other group, be it ISIS or Hamas or whoever, would have asked for 1 million tons. MFII is the only group that would not use weight in this context because they don't know what a ton is" said a DHS official who wished to remain anonymous. Intelligence experts believe securing a food supply was the first step for MFII to declare independence. They are continuing to monitor the situation as it develops and hopefully we will know more soon.